Rollerblading with the Stars

I grew up in Pittsburgh where rollerblading never went out of style.

In most parts of the world, by the 2000s, inline skates had faded into nostalgic obscurity. Relegated to yard sales and Play It Again Sports. Only non-ironically used by street hockey players, on beach boardwalks, and in midsize cities of Romania.

But Pittsburgh never got this memo, and rollerblading has remained a common and joyous form of recreation.

Rollerblading remains popular in Pittsburgh...

and in Cluj, Romania.

In high school, we would regularly strap on our ‘blades and do a few loops around "Virginia Manor," the rich, flat, well-paved neighborhood. Then we’d drive a parent’s SUV to a strip mall for some Italian Ice. Blasting 50 Cent and Michelle Branch with equal enthusiasm. It was an indisputably cool way to spend a summer afternoon.

When I did college tours, I brought my skates, because what better way to see a campus than by zooming around it in my K2’s? I assumed people were staring because I looked so hot. I didn’t realize that at elite institutions of New England, people do not blade around in sports bras, Soffe shorts, and blond high ponytails.

People not-from-Pittsburgh think it’s weird that Pittsburghers still rollerblade. People from Pittsburgh think it’s weird that people not-from-Pittsburgh don’t still rollerblade.

Of course I brought my rollerblades to Boston in 2009, when I moved there to start grad school (well I really moved to Cambridge, you know).

Boston has a trail that hugs the Charles River for miles on both sides. It has slick asphalt and scenic views. It would be ideal for high intensity fitness rollerblading, except for all the humans. On the weekends the trail is jam-packed: casual joggers puttering along in sweat suits; flocks of overly serious amateur runners Training For Boston (marathon); kids learning to bike, swerving helter-skelter; new lovers ambling hand-in-hand, oblivious to everything but their oxytocin-fueled haze.

And none of these people move aside for rollerbladers!

“Hey slow down! You’re going to kill someone!” a dad yells at me as I pass his toddler on a Razor scooter.

Okay sir, I’m rollerblading swiftly, but that’s like 10 mph. Far from fatal speeds here.

I quickly learned to rollerblade-for-fitness at obscure times like 2 pm on a Tuesday or 7 am on a Sunday—when only single, childless graduate students can exercise.

The other challenge was getting to the river trail. I could skate on colonial-era brick sidewalks, and definitely fall a few times. Or I could skate on the streets and possibly die.

In black-and-white days, Bostonians lollygagged along the river.

Today's residents are all purportedly Training for Boston (marathon).

Children on bikes swerve spontaneously.

But I could not, would not, walk to the river, carrying my skates, and put my shoes in a backpack when I got there. The backpack would weigh me down and inhibit my ability to skate fast enough to elevate my heart rate to the exercise zone. I chose certain spills on the sidewalk and possible death on the streets over a mediocre workout!

My roommates were dubious of my rollerblades until they saw me zipping around the apartment—from my bedroom to the kitchen in 2 seconds, WHOOSH—and returning from rollerblade workouts, radiating joy and endorphins. Then they were jealous.

So jealous that one roommate, Caroline the Uncompromising, got her mom to dig up some rollerblades from their basement in Connecticut.

Photo evidence confirms that I rollerbladed along the Charles in 2009.

Caroline: “Guess what. My mom brought the rollerblades last night! Can we go today?”

It was 9 am, Sunday.

Me: “Ehhhh, it’s going to be pretty crowded, but if we go immediately it could be okay.”

Caroline was not one for spontaneity.

Caroline: “Well I just had breakfast and want to review three lectures this morning before having a light lunch to finish up my Greek yogurt before I buy a new container because there’s really not enough space in the refrigerator for two. I also have to go over to Eric’s parent’s house around 5 pm, which means I’ll want to shower around 3:40 pm to give my hair time to air dry before I blow dry it. So I was thinking, ideally, we could go sometime between, say, 2:10 and 2:15 pm?”

2:10 pm on a Sunday!? Did she want to skate like 2 mph, dodging renegade children and tourists taking selfies? Could she pick a worse time in the entire week to go rollerblading-for-fitness along the Charles? We might as well just ride an escalator for exercise.

Me: [sigh, grumble] “Fine.”

At 2:10 we realized that the rollerblades her mom dug up were hockey skates, which meant they lacked  brakes (recreational inline skates have a rubber stopper behind one wheel). Caroline-the-Uncompromising-from-Connecticut, who had not skated since grade school, surely could not stop abruptly without breaks.

Recreational inline skates include a break...

that you won't find on street hockey skates.

Caroline: “It’s fine. Let’s just walk to the river and bring backpacks to put our shoes in. Once we get there it’s flat, so I can just gradually roll to a stop whenever I need to.”

And so we headed out at 2:15 pm on a Sunday with backpacks. I resigned to the fact that this would not be a high-intensity ‘blade session.

Caroline’s plan to stop via graceful deceleration did not pan out. Yes, the trail is flat, but it crosses several major roads, requiring instantaneous stops.

We approached our first intersection and Caroline was speeding along (as fast as one can speed with a cumbersome backpack, I mean). We’re 20 meters from the crossing and what approaches, but the most deadly and preposterous vehicle you can imagine: a Duck Tour.

Duck Tours are amphibious vehicles that float on water and drive on land. As they tour Boston, the ConDUCKtors® theatrically narrate sightseeing facts and the passengers quack their approval with souvenir kazoos, included in the ticket price.

Ducktour on land...

and on sea.

We’re 10 meters from the intersection. Caroline and the Duck Tour are on a collision course. At the edge of the curb, she reaches for a lamppost, transferring her forward motion into a centripetal swivel and full body embrace of the pole.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by the Duck Tour.

“Look at that rollerblader hugging a pole! She almost DUCKED into us!” announces the ConDUCKtor®. “Let’s give her a quack!”

QUACK!!! QUACK!!! QUACK!!!  A cacophony of quacking kazoos.

We continue on. At every crossing, Caroline clings to a lamppost or crashes into a wall. Not graceful, but better than zooming into traffic. Strangers offer help and reassurance, assuming the crashes are accidental.

Caroline: “No, no, I’m fine. Thank you. I just don’t have breaks.”

Intersection after intersection, Caroline causes a scene. Intersection after intersection, her patience and enthusiasm for rollerblading dwindles.

At one crossing, Caroline slams into a wall.

A man jogging says, “Are you okay miss?”

Without looking up she snaps, “I’M FINE. I just don’t have breaks!”

He’s startled by her hostility and I toss a look that communicates, “Sorry man. It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s her... and this Duck Tour incident about a mile back.”

He appears familiar enough to trigger a how-do-I-know-that-guy pondering. He’s handsome in a boring way and notably short. Middle aged, with bouncy dark hair that could be in a shampoo commercial.

He’s running with a svelte, peppy woman who must be a personal trainer. They’re trailed by a beefy man on a bike. Bodyguard, I'm guessing.

I think he’s Tom Cruise.

The paparazzi confirms my sighting of T. Cruise running along the Charles River in 2009.

The stoplight changes and we skate ahead. We quickly gain ground because we’re on wheels and they’re on feet.

Me: “Um, Caroline, I think the guy you just yelled at is Tom Cruise.”

Caroline: “Really?”

Me: “I don’t know. It looked like him.”

We get to the next intersection. Caroline bear hugs a tree. As we’re waiting for the light to change, the pack catches up.

It’s definitely Tom Cruise. He glances at Caroline hugging the tree. I give him a look that communicates, “Yeah she’s hugging a tree, but you’re a Scientologist.”

The light changes and we skate ahead.
Caroline: “Okay that was definitely Tom Cruise.”

At the next intersection they catch up again.

I give a look that says, “I know who you are, but I don’t care. The only celebrity I would be excited to meet is Larry David.”

We skate ahead. They catch up. And so it goes, the whole way home.

A quick web search later that day confirms that Tom Cruise is in Boston shooting something I never saw.